Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
