I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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