Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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