Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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