Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
