You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
