when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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