Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
