hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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