i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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