whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So apparently I’m into choking now
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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