life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
