if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
