I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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