Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
