I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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