I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
