So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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