community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
