i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
