I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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