in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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