My Higher Power is John Stamos
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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