i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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