watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize