I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
