i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
