im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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