no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
