His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
