Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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