Small penises have feelings too.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
