I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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