Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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