so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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