What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
