he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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