I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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