We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
