so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
