So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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