Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
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It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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