Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
