My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
