My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
