Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
