I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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