I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
