I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
