You made me cry and you don't even care
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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