nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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