Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
