Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
