Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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