theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
