I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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