Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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