Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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