bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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