Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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