I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
