I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize