I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
