Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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