So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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