i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
