It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
