I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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